Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?