The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.