Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
yeet
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
RT if you could go either way.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*