When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
When he asks for feet pics
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins