husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Brother?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.