If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.