I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house