Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing âprobably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
âHoly infant so tender and mild.â
-cannibals
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why donât you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I don’t make the rules sorry
You didnât hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
đŻđ
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said âyouâre not my dad!â and another immediately yelled âburrrrrrn!!â
i donât think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
âHave you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?â
– IT Department as marriage counselors
this is 10/10 content no notes
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. Iâm taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: âSleeping soothes the seethingâ you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.