Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You Might Also Like
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.