It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
stop
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.