Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
White Castle for the Win
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
live long and prosper!
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.