I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: