king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying