My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
life finds a way
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.