GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Why you watching this shit?”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Sign at work today
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.