The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
X-tra spooky blend
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
when revenge coincides with naptime
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.