My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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That’s amazing.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us