is this meant to deter me
You Might Also Like
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
And now we wait
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight