just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”