You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.