The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning