Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.