Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it