Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
You Might Also Like
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.