what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.