The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.