9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”