I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You Might Also Like
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake