boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.