same energy
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.