children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot