Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Your secret is safeish with me
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*