5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT