No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
August 8
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend