There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
#Caturday
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.