Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
#FunnyLife Insects
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.