Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
looks legit
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
In banana years, I am bread.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves