I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?