No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF