What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You Might Also Like
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Zack Greinke stories are the best
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”