My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
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Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.