Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
6: are snakes just neck?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Breaking news:
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married