My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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when nothing goes right… go left
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly