Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
wtf management?!
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.