Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes