Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires