Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Ghost costume 😂
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?