LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
What?!?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*mops up wine with cat*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.