A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?