horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I beg your pardon?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”